Each month, we will discuss a new, secular book through a Jewish lens. This month, We will examine Radical Candor and the Jewish practice of Tochechah (loving rebuke).
Right now I am reading (and loving) the book Radical Candor: How To Be A Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, by author Kim Scott. It's one of a litany of books on management and leadership that I have been devouring of late. It has so many good tips on how to have frank conversations with people when the stakes are high and the outcome uncertain. She defines "radical candor" as the ability to care personally and challenge directly. This is actually a familiar concept in Judaism, but instead of "radical candor" we call it "tochechah", which I often translate as "loving rebuke." According to the talmudic rabbis, rebuke is an integral part of love; as they say without tochecha, love cannot endure. (Bereshit Raba 54:3).
So let me define tochecha and tell you why we need it now more than ever.
In its most literal application, Tochecha is done when someone has violated God's law and, for the sake of the larger community, must be corrected. As the Torah says "all Israel is responsible for one another." In fact, tochecha is so important that if you fail to rebuke someone for violating the law, you yourself become guilty of the violation.
Clearly, as modern Jews, this more literal interpretation and application is not as resonant. And yet, God's law is not just about keeping kosher or separating our wool from our linen. It's about our moral behavior towards one another; it's about creating and maintaining healthy communities; it's about our obligations and responsibilities to our children, our spouses, our neighbors, our friends, and even the stranger among us. Torah literally means instruction and is a guidebook to better living. So how can tochecha be applied today? In the form of radical candor!
Kim Scott, in her book, says that there are four ways to give feedback. The best way is to be radically candid, which involves establishing a caring relationship for the person who you wish to give feedback to, and then giving that feedback in a clear, direct and actionable way. The purpose of radical candor is to help someone grow and improve and, if done right, is the foundation for trust and perhaps even mentorship. The second type of feedback is what Scott calls "obnoxious aggression" and while no one really enjoys being on the receiving end of this type of feedback, it is better than the next two types: ruinous empathy and manipulative insincerity. Ruinous empathy happens when you care too much, either about the other person and your relationship with them, or your own self-interest to be liked. Ruinous empathy involves little or no critical feedback and allows others to keep making the same mistakes without receiving any correction. The fourth type, Manipulative Insincerity, is when someone shows no care or concern and never has the courage to give any kind of feedback. Those who practice manipulative insincerity fall into one of the worst sinful behaviors that we have in Judaism-lashon ha'rah, translated as evil tongue or gossip. As a faith that believes the entire universe was created with speech, we know that words have the power to both create and destroy. Lashon ha'rah can ruin relationship, families and careers and it is in direct opposition to tochechah/radical candor.
I'm sure many of you have been the target of lashon ha'rah at some point in time. I too have recently been a target of it, and it has been incredibly painful. Often, the best thing that many of us can do when we encounter these individual is distance ourselves from them, but perhaps that is not all we can do. By practicing tochechah in our own lives, and on a regular basis, we set a standard for open and honest communication. I must admit that I frequently fall into the category of ruinous empathy. I am a certain type of rabbi who is hard wired to comfort people, not correct them, but I have come to find that, just like our Ahavah Rabbah prayer, love and law often go hand-in-hand. Tochechah/radical candor is not always comfortable and often involves a great deal of work and thought, but ultimately it leads to better communication, which is the foundation of any important relationship.
For more information on Radical Candor and to find other great resources from author Kim Scott, check out her website: www.radicalcandor.com